She must have taken it with her. Some crucial part of him. the part or parts, he wasn't sure which, that allowed him be one of those 24/7 coupled pairs, the part that allowed him to think in "we" for the better part of his early 20's.....Read More
I seem to come to these small crossroads by literally crashing into them. The past two days have been reminders of my demons. Old demons i'd thought gone, or hadn't heard from in a while so i'd stopped wondering where they were.
fears, anxieties, insecurities, and that ever familiar blanket of co-dependent behaviour.
It's ironic. Thanksgiving just came and went, a holiday that isn't celebrated at all in Mexico for obvious reasons, and almost as if to remind me, to give me contrast, for what i do have, my demons have come around to prod at me.
So a day late, but here is what i AM thankful for.
My family. My sister M. without whom i would have lost my path many times a long time ago.
My father who despite his faults, tries, and has never wavered in his desire to see and help me succeed.
My home, which slowly comes together, though on some days it still feels as alien and odd as when i wrote about it a few months back. The old futon mattress, thankfully, is gone
I am grateful for the girl in my life, she has through our entirely backwards love affair given me the space to feel things i'd almost given up on. I am grateful for her courage and beauty and that she chooses to share it with me.
I am grateful for language, words, and my ability to wield them well.
I am grateful for the reminder on my right arm that despite my triangular shape i can and will learn to roll on my own.
and more than anything today nov 23rd 2007 i am humbled because i realize that even though i thought i was done, done with the therapy, healing, growth, and challenges i am reminded that i am not. I am not done, because it's not an A to B sort of thing. Like a diet junkie who's weight yo-yo's back, i realize that mine is and will always be a constant process of self awareness, discovery, growth, and truth.
I allowed myself to avoid these things for the larger part of 2007, but in falling for a girl the damn burst open and that is a good fucking thing because i can now go back to the process of learning.
i'm also greatful to those few who read this blog, a handful of you are ex girlfriends with whom i haven't for various reasons kept in touch. I'm happy to share this bit of myself, in words, with you. And to those anonymous few, thank you for your readership, your occasional comments. This blog has always existed out of a personal need to chronicle some part of myself, but if in some small way it affects someone else, i am glad for it.
and because i am a geek. Live long and prosper.
There's this end of the year thing going on in my head. This bit where i look back at '07 and realize that the whole year has just been played by ear, on impulse, and i'm a little tired of it.
I yearn to grab the metaphorical hammer and build something. Sweat and break of bits of myself into something. I've allowed myself to be entertained by the girl i'm dating or the not so new anymore flat that i've been slowly molding into a home, but i yearn for the days of over caffeinated writing to dull out the pain of the wounds made by my ex.
writing then was about surviving, about keeping my mind functioning even though it begged me to shut down, to dive into some fucking writers cliché of alcohol and drug use. To indulge my friend Artemio when he tried to convinced me that given my initials i really needed to drop acid with him.
I went to Belfast, Madrid, and Barcelona on impulse, i returned to my old stomping ground of nyc on impulse, i'm dating a stripper, on impulse.
Very little in my life has been deliberate this year and i crave a little, a lot.
I loath the idea of new year resolutions, mainly because i think its bullshit. My ex was big on them, we'd make up list and the whole nine yards.
It's now, with this mediocre bit of writing, this post on stagnation that i force new habits, that will become my new impulses.
writings a lonely fucking thing to do, which is probably why i've been putting it off.
A note about the author: I was born in Mexico City. Yet i rarely write in spanish. the following image* is an example of why i find my native tongue frustrating to use to express myself creatively. 
* for the non Spanish reader: customize translates into "modified for specific requirements." my language apparently lacks a single word to express that. if anyone knows of one please leave it as a comment.
it had occurred to me that in 12 days on nov 14th i would mark the passing of 2 years. 2 years of terrible growth, pain, joy, ache, maturing, and all the somewhat cliched stuff that people go through after a particularly bad break-up. I would have said something clever, funny, sarcastic, i would have sworn a few times and made note of how time has not so much made anything easier as just made it part of a greater whole. It stands out less after 2 years...
You see there i go writing what i would no doubt have written in 12 days time if it weren't for a list of 100 things that someone wrote that i read tonight that reminded me a little of what the things looked like just before it all came tumbling down, and you know what, (you, faceless, nameless reader) things circa oct 2005 looked pretty damn beautiful, the water was calm, to borrow a mediocre metaphor. There seemed to be a lot of good in the little house of cards that was that relationship. I'm not sure what deep insight i can gleam from that, it's a bit unsettling to realize just how subtle the foreshadowing was to both of us.
but more than looking back it makes me wonder about the present, I'm in a somewhat new relationship with many of its own pitfalls and i have to somehow convince myself to just go with it, with full knowledge of just how abrupt the end can be.
it was nice reading that list though, even though things fell apart it was nice to stop for a moment and be reminded of the good.