pixelated.me

I seem to come to these small crossroads by literally crashing into them. The past two days have been reminders of my demons. Old demons i'd thought gone, or hadn't heard from in a while so i'd stopped wondering where they were.
fears, anxieties, insecurities, and that ever familiar blanket of co-dependent behaviour.

It's ironic. Thanksgiving just came and went, a holiday that isn't celebrated at all in Mexico for obvious reasons, and almost as if to remind me, to give me contrast, for what i do have, my demons have come around to prod at me.

So a day late, but here is what i AM thankful for.

My family. My sister M. without whom i would have lost my path many times a long time ago.

My father who despite his faults, tries, and has never wavered in his desire to see and help me succeed.

My home, which slowly comes together, though on some days it still feels as alien and odd as when i wrote about it a few months back. The old futon mattress, thankfully, is gone

I am grateful for the girl in my life, she has through our entirely backwards love affair given me the space to feel things i'd almost given up on. I am grateful for her courage and beauty and that she chooses to share it with me.

I am grateful for language, words, and my ability to wield them well.

I am grateful for the reminder on my right arm that despite my triangular shape i can and will learn to roll on my own.

and more than anything today nov 23rd 2007 i am humbled because i realize that even though i thought i was done, done with the therapy, healing, growth, and challenges i am reminded that i am not. I am not done, because it's not an A to B sort of thing. Like a diet junkie who's weight yo-yo's back, i realize that mine is and will always be a constant process of self awareness, discovery, growth, and truth.

I allowed myself to avoid these things for the larger part of 2007, but in falling for a girl the damn burst open and that is a good fucking thing because i can now go back to the process of learning.

i'm also greatful to those few who read this blog, a handful of you are ex girlfriends with whom i haven't for various reasons kept in touch. I'm happy to share this bit of myself, in words, with you. And to those anonymous few, thank you for your readership, your occasional comments. This blog has always existed out of a personal need to chronicle some part of myself, but if in some small way it affects someone else, i am glad for it.

and because i am a geek. Live long and prosper.